Friday, March 16, 2007

Rules to Enter Iowa!!!

Rules to Enter Iowa:
Applies to each person as they enter Iowa.
(Unknown Author) Remember this is comedy have a sense of humor!!!!!!!

Learn & remember:

East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
Pull your droopy pants up.
You look like an idiot.
Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

They are cattle & feed lots.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it.
Don't like it?
I-80 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.

So you have a $60,000 car.
We're not impressed.
We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

Yeah, we eat catfish.
You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.

Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibu call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL Maid-Rites !! Maid-Rites were born and bred in Iowa .... and real Maid-Rites never met ground turkey!

You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

The "Hawkeyes", "Cyclones" and "Panthers" and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

Colleges? Try Iowa City, Ames, Des Moines, Cedar Falls, or a bunch of others. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

Our state is home to "The Big Three, " so if you feel inclined to flip the bird to one of us in the state of Iowa, you'll get your happy, eastern or Californian fat ass whipped by the best

"Mud" is a paint color for trucks in Iowa.

Those people you see waving to eachother in trucks? They know what 2wd, 4-hi, and 4-lo stand for. And they know how to use it.

Beer and a bonfire is more fun than your frat party, pretty boy.

We grow corn, not potatoes, get it straight.

Vacation means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland

Your from Iowa if:

Down South to you means Missouri
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines"
You know the answer to the question, :"Is this Heaven?"
You know where all the Yoders live (or Andersons, or Van den Bergs)
You know what "hawks" and "clones" are
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable
You can locate Iowa on the map
You've ever been on a "Geode Hunt"
Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and is accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice
You say "catty-wampus" instead of "kitty-corner"
You've never taken public transportation
You have boiled fish in lye for Christmas
You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly
You know what "Amish Country" is
The only reason you go to Wisconsin or Missouri is to get fireworks
You know exactly where "Field of Dreams" was filmed
When someone says they are going out for dinner or supper, you know which meal they are talking about.
You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, corn, and soy nuts.
You're pulled over and asked by the cop, "Had a little to much to drink, (your first name here)?
You own the complete "Dukes of Hazzard" video collection.
"Hick" is a style of clothing.
You can use the words, 'crik', 'holler', and 'skunk weed' in the same sentence.
Your Christmas gift, when you were ten years old was a shotgun (a BB gun if you were a 'townie').
You know someone personally who is involved in meth trade or manufacture.
Your idea of a party is throwing cans of WD40 in a campfire while you're drunk.
You've been to a rave in a barn.
You've had sex in the back of a truck ... amid cows.
You know that cows don't sleep standing up.
You're concerned about the rates of corn growth in Illinois as compared to that of Iowa's.
You listen to Ag Day at 6AM ... two hours after you get up in the morning.
You believe that trees in Iowa lean towards Nebraska ... because Nebraska sucks!
You know several people who still refer to Japanese cars as "rice-burners."
"Styx" plays a concert at the county fair, and people actually show up.
You don't get nervous when you walk into a biker bar (unless you're an Iowa City cop).
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches
You know several people who have hit a deer - more than once.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
You see people wear bib overalls to funerals.
You carry jumper cables in your car... and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction & DAMN HOT!
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
Down South to you means Missouri.
East to you means Illinois.
A brat is something you eat.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
You go out to a tail gate party every Saturday.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors because your fire works melted.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
You've never met any celebrities.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
You've seen all the biggest bands... ten years after they were popular.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
You install security lights on your house and garage - and leave both unlocked.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
All festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, Mt. Dew, and Jell-O with marshmallows.
You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think deer season is a national holiday.
When u walk in to a bar in iowa, u better be ordering beer, and not some fruit trypical drink.
We chew, big deal, u better just hope ur not in our spitting line when we do spit